The Danbury Octopus
Years ago, while I worked as a bike guide, I did a day with a group of corporate clients where they decided it would be a good idea to tackle the mythical Leith Hill Octopus (eight ways up Leith Hill in Surrey). That was a miserable day. The criss-crossing of the route over a Garmin screen meant that I led a group of bankers onto a ninth tentacle that shouldn’t have existed. We were the last group in from a very long day having earlier also retrieved a couple from an unplanned descent earlier in the day. That Octopus was devised by Surrey cyclist John Leitch as a reliability ride with donations to a local charity and is around 60 miles and 6,000ft of climbing. Our version is a little under half the size. I don’t know what is half the size of an octopus that still has eight legs/tenticles or wings or whatever. Maybe a cuttlefish? The Danbury Octopus sounds good though. Squid maybe… The Danbury Cuttlefish? How many extremities does that have?! Whatever. Here it is. The Danbury Octopus!! Eight ways up from the valley floor to Eves Corner or The Ridge.
AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!! The Octopus!!!
Like any good bike ride this one starts and ends (roughly) at a pub. The Crown at Sandon sits in the lower foothills, next to the A12, staring up at the Essex Alps that we are about to tackle in a few slightly different ways. Along for the ride is Peter. Peter is from the internet and has a YouTube channel. A very nice man who has, more or less, mastered the art of riding around with a go-pro hanging out of his mouth. We have a nice chat along the way about cycling and ADHD and Blackmore. He scares me a little by videoing at inopportune times, mainly on dirty descents, on the wrong side of the road with one hand. But this is the age we live in.
The first ascent (or tentacle as they will now be referred to) takes us up Woodhill Road. Not quite Ditchling Beacon but it does have three defined steps up alongside its steady grade (2.8km@2%). We battered that out through the tree lined lower slopes before breaking out into the clearings at the summit and descending towards Bicknacre. The second slippery little sucker is Gay Bowers Lane (2km@2.7%) a narrow, gritty, muddy little thing that is full of holes and gravel and is generally pretty horrible. By this point Pete was attempting to do multiple talks to camera with a mixture of success as he dodged holes, cars and squirrels! We were getting a look behind his velvet curtain…
The only picture I took all day...
Once we crossed the A414 the first Southern sector had been ticked off before we enter the Badlands of the north and where this party will officially start. My friend Lewis has the KOM of Spring Elms Lane and he averaged 37kph. Lockdown did funny things to people. Our meander up to The Ridge was done at half the speed with only the roadworks halfway up as an excuse for the lack of pace. A filty descent of Colam Lane was the reward at the top.
Tenticle four is arguably the most agreeable. Chapel Lane (0.75km@0.3%) leading to Riffhams Lane which again goes up through the tree line to The Ridge past Little Baddow Cricket Club. Probably one of the more underused climbs around here. This maybe because it’s true base lies at a ford on Hurrels Lane which locally has a rather spotted reputation. The last time we did a photoshoot there a man appeared from the bushes in a long leopard print jacket, potentially with very little underneath, walking a Chihuahua. We’ve kept clear since. Although I believe Jon still goes back now and then on his lunch breaks.
And in the words of the great man. “We’re halfway there”. (J Bon Jovi 1986)
A long loop toward Hatfield Peveral and back towards The Gates Of Hell. We’ve been here before readers. Rising from the river valley towers North Hill (1.6km@5.3%). A southern giant that Simon Warren (he of 100 Climbs fame) describes as “half a hill”. He is northern and biased. Our man Dowsett has slayed this in just shy of 3 mins. My PB is a bit under 4mins. It stands here as the fifth tentacle and a stubborn, gnarled one at that. As I fixed a puncture by the pink house Pete was audibly swearing to camera as he finished the climb. I fear we’ve lost him to altitude sickness. A little loop across and Colam Lane (1.2km@3.8%) was next to feel the wrath before we descended down to Bicknacre in order to complete the final two legs on the south side of the A414.
The second part of Woodhill Rd from Bicknacre is a nice steady gradient. A little dip at the start gives some momentum and we go up towards The Cricketers. This climb comes at 47km into the loop and with around 550m of climbing under our belts. So nothing to be sniffed at there as the legs begin to feel a bit heavy!! The Octopus finishes with a run (literally as the ford was pretty deep) up Sporhams Lane (1.1km@3.5%) a straight road with a little chicane towards the top just to scrub some speed off before a sprint back down to the finish line back at The Crown with Petes’ beaming smile lighting up the December gloom!
In all seriousness what we have tried to do here is pack as much elevation into the shortest distance we can in a local loop. We’ve been brewing this for a while so there was a bit of route planning but we’re confident that what we have come up with, especially after riding, flows really well and actually will make for the 6th monument in years to come or at least something akin to The Serpent. Although we touted it as a start and end at The Crown the OFFICIAL Strava segment begins at the junction with Hulls Lane. We will link it all in below and HERE
Big thanks to Pete for the company and his funky electric pump!! His video about the day will be linked into this too as soon as it hits the airways!